How I'm Helping My Daughter Overcome Her Fear of Dogs
I am a dog lover/dog person/not a cat person. Growing up, my family always had a dog. I love them so much, that I often have to remind myself to say high to the dog’s owners first. Dogs are called man’s best friend because of their unconditional, loving and fun ways.
So when I discovered my daughter was terrified of dogs, I found it really hard to understand. We only discovered this fear when she was around 2 years of age. I’m talking paralysing fear, even of dogs that were on the other side of the road paying zero attention to her. She would run to me screaming and crying, and then grab my arm with a death grip. She just couldn’t cope with the sight of dogs.
Did it really matter?
We had moved into a house which had a back yard that really wasn’t suitable for dogs. Also, in our suburb so many people own dogs. It’s not possible for us to avoid coming into contact with dogs. Any park we go to, school drop off, school pick up there is usually a dog or two around. We also have friends who have dogs.
The main issue really was that the extent of my daughter’s fear around dogs was becoming unmanageable. When my son started school, her fear seemed to get worse. Maybe it was because we were coming into contact with more dogs. Every time, she would scream and run to me and hide, with a vice like grip my arm. We would have to wait until the dog was out of sight before we could keep walking. When we went to friend’s houses, their dog had to be outside or away from everyone.
Eventually I decided that enough was enough and I made the decision to start working on quelling her fear. I wanted her to be confident enough to walk past a dog or even be in the same space as a dog.
So where did this fear come from?
Even though it probably really doesn’t matter now, I did wonder where her fear came from. She was never attacked or bitten by a dog, but thinking back there was one negative experience I can think of.
When she was around 18 months old, we visited a pet shop and there was a boxer puppy behind a gate. I wanted to show her the puppy. With her in my arms, I approached the gate. The puppy jumped up and put her paws on the gate. She didn’t bark, but I could tell very clearly that she wanted to say hi and wanted a pat. My daughter immediately began to cry and became quite unsettled. So I walked away from the dog, and didn’t give it another thought.
When I think back, it’s entirely possible that my daughter was simply startled by the puppy jumping onto the gate. The dog probably also seemed very big to her. There is also another explanation, which is ‘implicit memory’. Implicit memories are a type of long term memory which relate to the impact that experiences can have on our behaviour. So, for my daughter, she may not have remembered the experience, but her brain certainly did. I think that this may have triggered an automatic reaction of fear.
Anyway, regardless of the reason why, I still wanted to help her overcome her fear of dogs.
Validating her fear
It took me quite a while to accept and validate her fear, because of my deep love for and understanding of dogs. All the dogs I know are awesome and fun and give their love unconditionally. It was so hard for me to really see my daughter’s fear and take it seriously. However I knew that it was an important first step towards helping her learn to feel more confident around dogs. Only then could we move forward with finding ways to help her get familiar with dogs.
Validation also helped her feel less alone with her fear and allowed me to start the conversation with her about dogs. It also then provided more opportunities to help her explore and understand her fear more deeply.
Familiarising her with dogs in safe ways
Using real dogs to help my daughter simply wasn’t going to work. Her fear always escalated beyond her ability to think clearly. I had to find other ways to gently expose her to dogs, but in safe ways without using a real dog.
I started showing her pictures of dogs. She seemed pretty ‘meh’ about that, so I moved on to videos. She thought they were hilarious. I found videos of dogs doing crazy stuff, cute dogs, sooky dogs snuggling with their owners. I even found videos of dogs who have lost their bed to a cat, dogs who know they’re in trouble, and dogs who like to get muddy.
Over time, her fearful reactions when coming face to face with dogs began to lessen. So, I started pointing out different features of dogs whenever we were in the car. We talked about tail shapes, types of ears, and even different body shapes. We found dogs who have tails that look like they have a pom pom on their bottom. There were also dogs who’s ears are too long for their face and dogs who swing their tail and bottom when they walk.
If we saw a dog sitting by the side of the road waiting to cross, I would mention how good the dog was for waiting. If we saw a dog misbehaving on their walk, I’d draw her attention to that too, and sometimes comment that the dog might need to go to puppy school.
Then we discovered Hairy MacLary! If you’ve read these books to your kids you’ll know how much fun they are. Well written, beautifully illustrated and a whole lot of fun. Whenever we were out I could say, ‘Look at that dog! He looks like (pick any character from the book)’.
Teaching her to read doggy body language
It’s much easier to work out what a dog’s intentions are if you know some doggy body language. It helps to predict their intentions which can lessen anxiety and fear.
A great website to check out is All Pets Education and Training. This website has some really good information about how to read basic doggy body language. It even includes a video and a chart at the bottom showing some dog behaviours.
Dogs have feelings too and if they are feeling uncomfortable or in distress this shouldn’t be ignored. This is why it’s also important to make sure that you supervise both kids and dogs when they are together. If you notice either party feeling uncomfortable, an adult needs to step in.
Eventually my daughter became even more confident around dogs. She was still wary, but not terrified. I began to start asking her what it was about dogs that was she afraid of. She told me that when dog has their mouth open, she can see their teeth. I thought maybe she was associating teeth with biting. I explained to her that sometimes if a dog has their mouth open they are panting. Panting means they are hot and they are trying to cool down. While this isn’t really doggy body language, it does help to know that an open mouth doesn’t always mean the dog is going to bite. This is why it’s important to look at the dog’s whole body. One feature is not enough to tell you what a dog is feeling.
My daughter was also fearful around overexcited dogs. She was afraid that they would jump on her. I kept reminding her that she is the boss and she can always give the dog a very firm ‘no’.
9 years later . . .
Yep it took this long, but during Sydney’s lockdown of 2021, we were on our way back from a park one day and we had a massive breakthrough. We met two dogs on our walk/ride to the park and my daughter showed no signs of distress around these dogs. She even let one of the dogs sniff her. We still aren’t at the patting stage for dogs she doesn’t know, but I’m totally ok with that. All I want for her right now is to be comfortable around dogs without being fearful.
So while we’re not quite there yet, at least when we are out and about my daughter is able to tolerate being in the same space as dogs. Who knows one day she might end up working with dogs? We’ll see.